My visits with Agatha grew longer and longer each week. I got to know quite a bit about Agatha and her life. She was a hard worker, a little shy, and very devoted to her family, whom she had diligently cared for during her long life. In her free time, she loved to paint. She was a tremendous artist and could make a scene from nature come alive with the stroke of a watercolor brush. In some ways, Agatha was as gentle and polished as the scenes from nature that she would paint.

But under her genteel yet humble exterior, Agatha was a force of nature. She was strong, determined, independent, and God fearing. She had worked her whole life to provide for herself and others, and she cared very much about those around her. Of special concern to Agatha were the priests who befriended her, whom she knew and loved so dearly.

Though she certainly had difficulties, it seemed to me that Agatha had lived the life of a saint.  And, thanks to the good work of the religious sisters, the nursing home where Agatha lived was run a little bit like a convent! There was morning Mass, midday prayers, afternoon Rosary, Stations of the Cross, adoration, and other religious activities. Agatha, like many of the residents, attended these liturgies and prayers with great devotion. In short, Agatha had lived her life with great faith and was ending her life with even greater religious fervor! In my opinion, Agatha was a model of virtue and piety.

On one afternoon when I walked into the nursing home to visit, one of the Carmelite Sisters pulled me aside and said, “Agatha has some news she needs to tell you.” I went immediately to her room, and greeted Agatha like usual. After giving her a hug, I sat down. Agatha looked at me and then told me some very sad news: she had been diagnosed with advanced cancer and had been given about two months to live.

After we both cried and talked about her diagnosis for quite a while, I commented to Agatha, “Aren’t you so excited to finally see Jesus?” After a pause, Agatha looked at me and said, “But Brother, I’m scared that I’m not going to Heaven; I don’t think I’m going to see Jesus.”

I was totally shocked by her words. That was the last thing I would have expected to hear from Agatha. For almost all of her 95 years, Agatha had gone to daily Mass, confession, adoration, prayed the Rosary, and lived a good life. Her comment didn’t make sense to me. “Why would she think she’s not going to Heaven,” I thought to myself. And so I asked her: “Agatha, what makes you think that you’re not going to see Jesus?”

Agatha looked at me with a little shame and fear in her eyes and said, “Throughout my entire life I’ve had a hard time believing in the Eucharist. Of all the times in my life I’ve been to Holy Communion, only one time did it actually feel like Jesus, and that feeling only lasted for 15 seconds.”

I was so moved by Agatha’s confession of faith that I almost fell out of my chair! This woman, who had lived faithfully in the Church for 95 years, who had received Jesus in Holy Communion thousands and thousands of times, who had prayed and believed in God’s sacraments for her whole life, only felt something when she received the Eucharist once for 15 seconds. And yet, even though she didn’t feel it, she kept believing, kept struggling to understand, kept living her Christian life. What faith Agatha had! That’s stronger faith than most of us dream of having!

The Lord can use feelings to help us from time to time in our life of faith. God sometimes gives us “spiritual consolations” and other good feelings which draw us towards Him, and those are certainly gifts from God  But just because we don’t have those feelings – and often we don’t – doesn’t mean that we don’t believe, that something’s wrong, or that the Eucharist isn’t real. In fact, when we love, when we believe – even when we don’t have good feelings – that’s when the rubber meets the road; that’s when our faith and love are purified.

Agatha’s belief in the Eucharist wasn’t weaker because she didn’t feel anything. Actually, I think it was stronger! During this time of Eucharistic revival, if you’re having a hard time believing in the Eucharist, perhaps Agatha is a good person to pray to  Ask for Agatha’s intercession, because she knows what it’s like to struggle and yet to believe!